Kids don't need perfection from you, they just need your presence.

Let's learn something shall we...

Here is what I am learning lately that maybe you've already learned as a parent but frankly, I need constant reminders. 

Are you ready for it?

Kids don't need perfection from you, they just need your presence. 

I think the difficulty of parenting, especially in the current generation, is that we have to correct everything that we grew up with. Our parents did the best they could with the information they had and we, in my generation (the millennial generation), feel the need to be better. 

I think that we have people that fall on both ends of the spectrum too. Some that are too left extreme that they aren't really a parent to their children but rather a friend. Think Lorelai Gilmore from Gilmore Girls.

Those who are too right extreme that follow the principle of "if it ain't broke don't fix it." They choose to parent exactly how they were parented, refusing to recognize that their might be a better way to do it. 

Finally, those in the middle who strive to maintain a healthy balance between the two sides. Enough of a friend but still utilizing tactics that their parents may have used. 

However, whether we like it or not either, we all parent somewhat in a way that our parents did. 

In my own parenting, I try to fit somewhere in the middle but I will bounce to one side or the other, generally completely unintentionally. 

More often than not, I find myself on the side of parenting where I am not managing my emotions well. I blow up and than have to reap the consequences for my choices. 

Allow me to elaborate: summer has been difficult for me as the work day seems to wane on longer and longer and my time with the kids stretches out too. What during the winter months is a 9-10 hour time, during the summer is extended to about 12 hours. 

When you incorporate sleeping time, my day is basically 7-8 hrs sleeping, 12 hours with my kiddos, and about 4-5 hours supported child time. 

Burnout has been constant and my ability to manage my emotions, especially during the supper rush is a trigger point. 

Last night, I get majorly triggered by both kids. My youngest was intentionally drawing all over oldest's shirt with marker which made me go off. Finally, when I tried to redirect both of them to go play with their toys rather than sit around me while I made supper, my oldest response was no and then decided to become a tornado with a full bag and spin in circles, hitting me hard in the process. 

I have spoken before about ways to manage those triggers, however, that season ebbs and flows as well for when I utilize them. Currently I am in a season of using them, which is a good thing. 

I also restarted to write down when I am triggered and by what. 

However, last night, rather than managing my triggers right away, I blew up, yelled, ripped the bag out of eldest's hands and marched off to my room. I threw the bag inside and than went outside to take a break all while my eldest was crying. 

What I should have done was just went outside to take a break instead of responding in such anger. 

By the time I got back inside, eldest child was still crying and let me know that when I am angry, I am scary and she gets scared. 

I felt awful.

We all sat on the couch and talked about what happened and how we (especially me) could try different things to manage our frustrations. 

Here's the conclusion that I came too... The biggest reason of all that I get triggered at all is in wanting my kids to rush or in feeling rushed by my kids or by a deadline. Like supper. 

The way I phrased it in my journal was, "One thing I know that triggers me is when I don't think the kids are moving quick enough or I think they are moving intentionally slow. I also get triggered when they want me to be done faster. Funny how that works huh..."

When I choose to recognize my triggers, I feel like I can reason with them better and offer grace to both the kiddos and to myself. 

What do these ramblings have to do with my opening statement of, "Kids don't need perfection from you, they just need your presence,"? 

Well, if I stopped and took the time to just be present rather than expect perfection out of them or out of myself, we all, surprisingly, get along better. We all see each other for where we are at and we all, honestly feel a bit more love for each other. 

Does supper need to get on the table? Yes. Does the time matter? Minutely. Should my kids learn to not have to be near me every second of every day? Yes. Can I still manage my anger and frustration of being touched out when they decide not to implement that lesson on the day to day? Yes.

When I am present with myself and with my kids, I am less angry. Not necessarily less annoyed, but less angry for sure. 

I'm slower to react and more likely to recognize my own needs as well as theirs. 

I'm trading mindlessness for mindfulness and honestly it's better for everyone. 

I have been very open and honest with myself today about how I am feeling and where I am at in my mind. Want to know what my kids response has been?

They have responded in kind and been a lot more understanding with me. 

In short, concluding lesson for the day is, "Kids don't need perfection from you, they just need your presence." 

Learn it, Know it, Do it.